Call me a whiner. Call me some low-life trash who needs to get out of the house and go do something. I guess when you do nothing but search for jobs in a scarce environment like this dump of a small town or go listen to a chemistry lecture 2 nights a week for 5 hours, you start to realize how pathetic you are. I've been out here for 2 and a half years; no friends; no one at the school I go to knows who I am...I suppose when you don't initiate anything, you don't get anything in return. I just keep telling myself that I'm fine and I don't need it. I just say it in my head; there are only a few set things I actually need in life: good marks, a steady job, and eventually finding a way to pay for my own place. I don't even care if it's a dumpy apartment. As long as I can survive.
It gets hard when you have no one you can trust enough to make you feel better when you're lonely, or someone who actually cares enough to listen to your stupid fucking problems. Hence the whole drama-spilling-on-the-blog thing. I hate drama. I hate people who use the internet to vent. But...it's gotta come out somehow. I don't expect to accomplish anything, I just...being alone makes life a lot rougher than it should be. Of course I'm gonna look back at this in like 24 hours and kick myself in the ass for being such a whiny little bitch. Who the hell wants to associate themselves with someone who asks for companionship and then just ignores people or berates them for trying to get close? It's just that damn mantra that goes on in my head. "I don't need anyone. Stop reaching out for human contact, you stupid idiot. You can get by just fine." But, I have no motivation, no direction. I'm just kind of sitting here in this aimless void, watching the world and people I used to know find happiness, whether that be in the form of great friends, a relationship, a successful career...Why is it just me that's still stuck here with nothing? I guess it's because ever since I was a little kid, I've always told myself I'm not worthy of anyone's attention. Well, that's my fault, but it's also up to me if I want to do anything about it.
...So I guess the only question is if I want to do anything about it. My brain says no, but something else is just dying in me because of it. I suppose the sooner I find out what that is, the sooner I can find a way to fix it.
No sketches today...my drive is pretty much gone.